Fear of Future

At the moment, I am on a phase of confusion. Afraid about steps I’m willing to take for my very own future. I know this will eventually come, the fact that I’m almost enrolling and starting my university life. Only a year and four months left until the time I must take off the red-black-grey squares skirt which already accompanied me for more than 10 years. Maybe it is not that time sensitive yet, but the clock is keep on ticking, less and less time for me to decide one of the most important decision in my life

Yesterday, I laid on my bed, only me and the pillows. I was thinking deeply about what major should I enroll and what my back up plan if the worst possibility really do happens? (*knocking on woods). 

Being a doctor is the most dominant will I have, it is my dream to be one. I desperately want to be an obgyn. The systems human body create fascinate me, especially the thing about how an ovum and sperm meet and create an embrio eventually growing to a baby. I would love to help a mother born their little baby, see the happiness their eyes reflect the moment they touch and feel them. It would be a very lovely pleasure to witness the world welcoming another human being. — That makes the first thought answered. I should enroll to a medical faculty. and in this case, we all know which uni in this country has the best one. But the problem is, it is EXTREMELY hard to get into! I really really really should work my ass off. 

Some friend of mine already are 12 graders, seeing them going to ‘school after school ended’ every single day scares me off!! Imagine waking up at 5.30 every weekdays, having school from 7 till 3 pm or sometimes more, rightly follow by going to the extra lesson place until 8 at night! Isn’t that call a living hell? When will your brain have some rest? even on weekends they still go to the the tutoring place and solve another questions. I’m…….scared, but I GOTTA FIGHT FOR IT. I’ve promise my self to do my best, to study to the fullest. At the end, I believe the effort we’ve made will be paid. I’ve aimed what I need for these previous 3 semesters. 2 to go. KEEP IT UP TAS, KEEP ON REACHING! Amen.. Amen..

Another part of me want to study abroad, so that is why I’m thinking about enrolling to the international class. It offers the students to go to aussie for a year! People said that it is easier to get in rather than the regular one yet the payment is more expensive. I don’t know whether the first one is true or not, but I believe the second is. Luckily,  my parents agreed and I have their full support on me :)

But I gotta have a back up plan. What if I’m not accepted there? Hopefully not of course, but plan B is needed! So yeaaah this one I should figure it out soon. Another public university is available in different town. But I leave my heart in Jakarta. Hard for me to move to the other town, though other country is much more preferable since I want to study abroad. My mom is actually encouraging me to go to the states. It feels so tempting to live by yourself in America. Meeting new friends from all around the globe, widening up your networking, and be an independent grown up. No parents ruling you, telling you what to do, telling you to go back home, having 4 seasons, not to forget each of them has its own school break, managing your own money, your own life. Well it used to be my dreams, but too bad mom, my will of being a doctor has beaten it. Too bad I couldn’t study medical abroad, other than it takes time too long, I won’t be able to become a doctor back here in Indonesia. I have to be a doctor in where I studied. I wish I could be like Emma in ‘No strings attached’. She has such a perfect life, how I envy her. 

In conclusion of my future thought: First, I really wanna be a doctor, an obgyn to be exact. Second, it is very hard to enter the university who has the best medical faculty in the country, which is also the one I would like to enroll. Third, I NEED TO STUDY MY BEST SO THAT HOPEFULLY I WILL ABLE TO ENTER THAT UNIVERSITY FACULTY. Forth, no back up plan is figured, so help is kinda needed, o! and don’t tell me the solution is to study hard because I already knew it and I WILL DO THAT I WILL. Fifth, I will also pray hard. I believe God knows what’s the best for me :)

I wish someday I will have my name written like this: Dr. Anastasia Michelle ______ Sp.OG

Amen.

Anyway shout out for my beloved 2 best friends, my cousins, and my silly ‘play mom’ who are struggling in the 12 grades! I know u guys are doing your best, keep it up! The D-day is approaching, nail ur exams and best of luck on enrolling the universities. My prayers are with you. God knows what’s the best for you guys too. O;) 

@1 year ago